Bandage to Cover Wounds
by suallenparker
Summary: Set in early Season 5. Missing his family and depressed by the current events, Hotch behaves out of character. Will he and Emily be able to handle the consequences?
1. Chapter 1

**A Bandage to Cover Wounds **

Disclaimer: Not mine.  
><span>Spoiler:<span> Placed pre 05.08 "Outfoxed"  
><span>Summary:<span> Set in early Season 5. Missing his family and depressed by the current events, Hotch behaves out of character. Will he and Emily be able to handle the consequences?  
><span>Thanks<span> to _**lily moonlight**_ for helping me out once again!

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"_Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds._" Hugh Elliott

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The first time Aaron Hotchner kissed Emily Prentiss wasn't about love. It was a Thursday and he kissed her standing on the floor of his apartment. He kissed her out of desperation, because he wanted to move on, because he had given up. He kissed her because she was there and he wanted to feel something other than his fear. He kissed her because he had lost one more day to Foyet. He kissed her because no matter what he did, Foyet had won again. Nothing mattered. So he might as well kiss Emily Prentiss.

She had accompanied him home. She did that a lot these days, accompanying him. Following him, observing him. Being there for him. Sometimes the way she looked at him was the only thing that made him feel alive. Sometimes when she brought him home, he felt guilty because for a few seconds he shifted from surviving to living under her gaze.

Three years ago, when she had first stood in his office he had briefly thought about kissing her. A flickering impression of her mouth on his had sped through his mind. He was a man, she was beautiful, everything perfectly normal. He never thought he would ever act on that, not even after Haley divorced him. He never stopped feeling guilty because of it though. He didn't stop fantasizing about kissing Emily either. He was a man and she got more and more beautiful every day.

Everything perfectly normal.

And now Haley and Jack were gone because he had failed to keep them safe again and again. Every day he failed them and they had to suffer. He had to suffer. He missed them so much, sometimes his whole body was numb from the pain. Haley and Jack were gone and he was free. Depressingly free. Depressingly not belonging to anybody. Lonely. Lost. She was there and he wanted to connect. So he kissed her. Perfectly normal, right? Right?

Today Emily followed him into the small floor of his apartment. She had that look in her eyes. The same one she wore when she had brought him home after his first case since Foyet had stabbed him.

Another Thursday, that Thursday they discussed the case but they both knew, they were talking about him and before she turned around, there was a moment where he wasn't sure if she would leave or would close the gap between them to hold him.

She left without touching him and he was grateful for that. Not that he hadn't wanted her to touch him, oh no. He had longed for it even, almost desperately wanted it. But if she would've touched him, would've hugged him, he would have lost it right there and kissed her. But back then he hadn't been ready for the implications of that kiss. Back then he had still clung on to the idea that he might defeat Foyet.

But today… It had been six months now since Haley and Jack had gone into witness protection. Six months. Half a year. Half a year and he still had no clue where Foyet was hiding.

And Emily… She came close, tonight. She followed him into his pathetic apartment and almost bumped into him as he stopped to throw his keys on the counter. He expected her to step back but she grabbed his right arm and made him turn around to face her.

She said his name, her voice barely audible. The pitiful look in her eyes almost broke his heart.

So he kissed her. Just grabbed her by her arms, pulled her close and pressed his mouth against hers. His hands wandered from her arms to her back, his left one stopped at her waist. First she didn't respond and he felt her tense in his arms, but then her lips softened and she opened her mouth to him with a sigh. Her arms wrapped around his neck. She tasted sweet and like coffee.

They were connected. Something inside him rang the alarm, something he had so conveniently put into boxes inside boxes inside of him. He was connected to her. That recognition felt familiar like an old, dusty memory. He was connected to her. Not only physically, not just his lips on hers, but something else. After all, this kiss was about love too.

Then she broke away. Her hands on his shoulders, she took two steps back. Away from him and closer to the door. She didn't even look at him before she turned around and left.

Somehow, he felt relieved. Like somehow all this hadn't been about connecting but about severing ties, about cutting a string. And this felt like a clean cut.

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><p><strong>To be continued… Obviously. Like I could ever let you hanging without a happy end! I have two more chapters planned and I could use a little motivation. So, as always, I'd love to hear from you guys. Feedback is like cyber-chocolate. :)<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

When he had kissed her yesterday, it hadn't been about love, Emily knew that. It hadn't been about her. Hell, it hadn't even been about lust. The way he had looked at her almost broke her heart. So lost, so lonely. That's why he had kissed her. And that was why she had to leave.

He didn't come to work today. Called in sick. A cold.

Now she stood in front of his apartment with a pot of chicken soup she had bought in a little shop close by.

She had to ring the doorbell three times, before he opened the door. He stood in the doorway, one hand on the frame, one on the door. Dark circles around his eyes, beard-shadow, bare feet. His clothes wrinkled, the same clothes he wore yesterday. He was frowning at her, of course.

"Please leave," he said.

Maybe she should. His breath smelled of alcohol.

She handed him the styrofoam pot. "I brought you chicken soup," she said.

When he took it, he let go of the door and she slipped into his apartment. Their shoulders brushed and she wanted to turn around and leave, she wanted to run away. But she didn't. This was important. They had to get through this. Yesterday she had left, because she had to. Today she would stay for the same reason. And then she would get over him. This was the first step in the right direction.

Emily turned around.

He was still standing at the door. Now he held it wide open. "Please leave."

She swallowed. "The kiss never happened," she said sternly.

"Excuse me?"

"You kissed me, just because you needed somebody and I was there so …" She shrugged. "We should just forget it ever happened."

"And you want that?"

She shook her head, she couldn't suppress the movement. Damn body language. She wanted him, she wanted him to kiss her again, she wanted him to love her. Not much chance of that. She wanted him to be happy. If she could handle this right, she might still have a shot at seeing that.

"You can still get her back," she said.

"What?"

"Haley. We get Foyet and then you can save your marriage."

"What?"

"I think, you kissed me yesterday because you gave up," Emily explained. "But you can't do that. I won't allow it." She held his gaze. She needed him to hear her. "We get them back, Hotch. We will."

He just stared at her, now holding the pot of soup in both hands. He opened his mouth, closed it again. His gaze wandering off, he nodded slowly. Then he closed the door.

"Why did you kiss me back?" he asked looking at the pot of soup in his hands.

She shook her head. "We don't have to –"

"Was it out of pity?" he interrupted her and his gaze met hers again.

"Don't think that."

"Then why did you leave?" He leaned back against the wall. "Why give me that pep talk?"

"Because if I …" Looking at the floor, Emily nibbled at her bottom lip. Most of today she had spent reliving these few seconds when their lips had touched. "If I would've stayed, I wouldn't have stopped."

She would've kissed him, she would've told him she loved him. But as much as she wanted it to be, it wouldn't be enough to save him.

He didn't reply.

She shouldn't have said anything. She had left yesterday, because she didn't want to lay that on him. Her love. It wasn't enough. He needed his son back. His wife. His ex-wife. The ex-wife whom he still loved.

Hotch cleared his throat, then he said, "I don't want to be married to Haley anymore."

"You don't?" She didn't came here to make this about herself, she really didn't. She didn't came here to ask for his love, even though she longed for it. She came here for him, to save him. And yet, when he said that, hope made her heart beat faster.

"I didn't kiss just anybody, Emily."

She drew in a sharp breath. "Please be careful now," she begged quietly.

He tilted his head and frowned.

"I've fallen for you," Emily said. "And if you give me hope that there might be a chance for you and I, I will cling to it. So please be careful what you tell me."

"You want me to back off?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I don't want to push you into something you're not ready for." She wanted him to be with her, because he loved her, not because he was desperate and lonely. She wanted their next kiss to be about them and not about his misery.

For a moment they stayed silent. Emily never noticed before how loudly his kitchen clock ticked.

"So what do we do?" Hotch asked then.

Emily shrugged. "We catch Foyet and bring your family home."

"And then?"

"Maybe, if you still want to, you could kiss me again." She hoped, he would.

Hotch paused, then he nodded. "Okay."

Oh, that look on his face! He looked so sad and sincere, she wanted to hug him. She wanted to kiss him. But that was not an option now. The next time they'd kiss, she wanted to be sure that it was about what they felt for each other and for that to happen, they both were too desperate right now. So she gave him a smile and took a step back.

"Goodnight, Hotch."

"Goodnight."

She had already opened the apartment door, when he called her by her name. "Yes?"

"Thank you," he said, the pot of soup looked much smaller in his big hands than in her own. He almost looked ridiculous with it. A big guy in a crinkled suit with sad eyes holding on to a tiny styrofoam pot.

She wanted to hug him even more. Instead, she left.

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**Thank you all so much for your previous reviews, favs and alerts. As always I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.**


	3. Chapter 3

The only time Aaron Hotchner had kissed Emily had been out of desperation. And out of love. Because he loved her. Must have been the irony of life that he had needed the desperation to bring up the courage to finally kiss her. He wondered, if he would ever be that brave again.

_Maybe he could kiss her after they found his family_ …

He couldn't forget about her words and that sweet look on her face. He had wanted to kiss her right then and there, but he had wanted their next kiss to be about them. He had wanted her to have no doubt about his intentions the next time.

But things didn't turn out like they both had hoped.

He had his son back, thank god, a god he wasn't even sure he believed in, but Jack was alive and save.

But a month ago he had buried his ex-wife. Haley was dead. He still had trouble believing that, he still wished he'd wake up and it'd all be a bad dream. He wished, Jack still had his mother. Jessica was great, but … He just wished that Haley was still alive. Even though their marriage had been over, he still loved her.

That had been one of the toughest lesson life had taught him so far. Sometimes you love somebody and then your love changes. When he first had met Haley he had been so sure that she would be the love of his life. The marriage with her had made him a better man and the day Jack had been born had been the happiest of his life and he would always, always love Haley for giving birth to his son. But things had changed in their relationship. He hadn't been able to make her happy an longer, so she had asked for a divorce. To be honest, she hadn't been able to make him happy as well. He still had loved her dearly, but it had not been the same kind of love. He had felt relieved when the divorce papers got delivered to him. He had felt free. Free of the guilt that always laid on his shoulders whenever he had to take a case, to save lives, knowing that Haley would disapprove of his leaving. And he had felt ashamed because of that.

And then there was Emily. Sometimes it felt like she understood him in a way that Haley never could. With Emily he never felt ashamed of the fact that he loved his work and that he was good at it too.

Three days ago he had started working again and he was already staying late to catch up with the paperwork. With a sigh Hotch put the last report for the evening in its folder. When he looked up he saw Emily standing in the doorway to his office.

"You look tired," she said.

"I am." He smiled thinly. Tired was a kind word to describe his state. Truth was, he was overwhelmed. Haley was dead, he was a single parent and he couldn't stop thinking about that woman in front of him. He wanted to be with her. And he wanted her to be happy. He just doubted that he could have both. His life was such a mess. He was such a mess.

"I could drive you home," Emily offered.

Hotch shook his head. "That's not necessary. But thanks for the offer."

He had expected her to leave now, but she stayed put and watched him closely.

"I'm here, if you need me," she said. Times like today, Emily understood him better than he'd liked.

"I know." He gulped dryly. She always managed to make him feel less alone. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

He remembered what she had said the day after he had kissed her. That he should be careful with her, because she would cling to the hope. He didn't want to hurt her. He should tell her she wouldn't need to do that, he should set her free, but he was too selfish. As long as she kept coming to him, he wouldn't sent her away.

"I've nothing to offer to you," he said. He wouldn't send her away but he needed to warn her.

Emily narrowed her eyebrows. "That's not true."

"My ex-wife got killed by the psychopath that stabbed me. My son is traumatized. I haven't figured anything out."

"You don't need to get through everything on your own." Emily took a step into his office. "Repeating myself here," she said, "but: I'm here."

"Why aren't you with a nice guy, instead of watching after me?"

Emily shrugged. "You are kind and smart and I always feel saver when you're around, even in the days where you were still deciding if you liked me or not. You calm me and sometimes you're the only person that I feel connected to. With you I feel more like myself." She sounded so calm and reasonable as she said that.

His insides clenched. "Even now?" he asked.

"Even now."

He was in pain now. The pain you feel when you were completely frozen and your body finally starts to warm up again. He wanted to stand up and press himself against her so her warmth would melt the rest of the ice inside him. He longed to kiss her. Still he hesitated. "I don't know if I can give you what you deserve."

Emily sighed. "I worry about you, you know that? I know you can't see that right now but you're great with Jack. It's so good to have you back at work, you're always there when you are needed. I wish you would take better care of yourself."

He could just stare at her. She was perfect. He wondered how he had deserved to have such a beautiful person in his life.

"I'm not here to make demands, Hotch."

He took a breath. "You're too good for me."

"Probably."

They both smirked at her remark. He loved her sense of humor as well. Her ability to take the tension out of serious situations.

"Do you sometimes think about that conversation in my apartment, about our kiss?" he asked. He knew, it was insecure and selfish, but he wanted to hear that if he would try, she would still allow him to kiss her. Maybe then he could stop being a coward. Right now he felt just desperate enough.

"Of course." For the first time this evening she avoided his gaze. "I won't make demands, Hotch. I meant it."

He stood up and walked to her. When he touched her arm, she looked at him again. In the heels she wore, she was as tall as he.

"You saved me that day," he said quietly. "You are the only one I feel connected to and without you I would've given up."

She inhaled and stepped into his personal space. "Kiss me", she said.

He rubbed her arms with both hands. She felt so soft and he wanted to comply so badly. "I want you to be happy and I don't know if I can give you that."

Her hands clasped around his elbows.

"You still don't get it," she said. "I love you." She leaned her forehead against his. Her breath felt warm on his skin. This was surreal.

He felt warn and connected and hopeful. So very hopeful. "I love you too." His hands wandered to her back and he pulled her closer.

"Then kiss me." Her arms sneaked around his neck, her nose brushed against his.

He tilted his head slightly and their lips met. Her mouth was just as soft as he remembered. He felt her arms tighten around him as she opened her mouth to his. She was so sweet and wonderful and maybe they had a chance.

The second time Aaron Hotchner kissed Emily Prentiss was about hope.

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"_I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love._" Daphne Rae

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**Finally completed! Took me long enough, I know.  
>It gave me a bit of trouble and I had to rewrite it twice. I'm still a bit unsure about it.<br>I hope, you guys like the ending. If you could spare the time, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it!**

**Thanks to Firefly1228 for pointing out a few mistakes!**


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